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WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Domestic violence is a crime. Controlling
someone with whom you are, or were in a relationship, by committing acts of violence, or coercing another by putting them
in fear is against the law.
WHO ARE THE PERPETRATORS?
They are your friends,
your neighbors, your relatives. They are also doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, politicians, and every other group
in society. And you?
WHO ARE THE VICTIMS?
The victims are your friends, your
neighbors, your relatives. They are also doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, politicians, and every other group in
society. And you?
HOW DO YOU AVOID IT?
If it doesn't feel right, listen to your
instincts and act upon them. Talk to others about your relationship to get another perspective on behaviors that make you
uncomfortable.
If you feel you are out of your depth SEEK HELP. No one will blame you for your situation. IT'S NOT YOUR
FAULT. Speak with a parent, someone at school, or a relative with whom you feel comfortable. Asking for help when it is needed
is a mature decision under any circumstances. Doing so may save your life.
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THE SIGNS
Victims have been beaten, raped,
or even murdered by (so-called) loved ones. However, physical violence is not always the major factor in an abusive relationship.
Controlling another through coercion is an effective method. Insisting on ordering for you from a menu without asking what
you want, deciding what clothes you wear, when you go out, or who you see can have adverse consequences. Ultimately, the goal
is to isolate you from family and friends and control your every action. If you are afraid, or regularly alter your usual
habits while around your partner to avoid confrontation, you should look closer at your situation.
From the outset,
the abuser will come on strong, looking for a commitment, claiming powerful feelings for his partner.
The abuser
will be controlling, deciding what you wear, where you go, who you see, what to order when eating out.
You will
be cut off from family members and friends; isolated from those who love you and from whom you might seek help and advice.
The abuser will blame others for his mistakes.
It is never his fault that he gets upset, is angry,
has problems at work, or gets in trouble. Ultimately, you will be blamed for everything that goes wrong, for making him angry,
for not doing things right, for making him look bad, and for his mistakes.
The batterer may be cruel to animals
and children.
If a batterer beats his partner he is more than likely to also abuse his children.
Activity
as seemingly innocent as forced tickling or "playful" force during sex can be abusive. Any behavior that is carried
out against your will is abuse.
Verbal abuse is often degrading and cruel, and can cause a severe loss of self
esteem.
Victims are often subjected to mood changes, from sweetness to violence within short time periods. The
continued state of never knowing how a partner is going to behave is particularly stressful.
A batterer often
threatens violence like, "I'll kill you," or "I'll break you're neck," to control his partner.
Reports of violent behavior in previous relationships should be a sign of impending problems. If you begin a relationship
with someone and hear of such prior issues, run, do not walk and find someone who will not give you years of misery.
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| Have A Plan |
If you are being victimized by a partner, relative, or
other perpetrator, you NEED A PLAN to ensure you are prepared to escape or seek help in an emergency situation. There's no
point in wondering what you should do when a situation arises. You must plan ahead. One of the most dangerous times during
a violent relationship is when the victim leaves the batterer.
Here are some things you should consider when forming a plan:
Get a cell phone and keep it with
you at all times, charged, and ready to use. You may not always be able to use the house phone, especially if it has been
ripped out of the wall, as so often happens during crises.
Dial 911 if you feel at all at risk of being injured
or abused. There are Domestic Violence Laws that protect you against abuse, and you should take full advantage of them.
Make friends with a Police Officer
in the Domestic Violence Unit of your local Police Department. Advise him/her of your situation and ask about laws that relate
to your situation. Find out what resources are available to you and how domestic violence cases are handled. You may wish
to apply for a Restraining Order (209A in MA)
Make friends with a neighbor who will give you temporary refuge from your batterer until the police arrive.
If you need to seek refuge in your own home during an incident, pick a room that has a window or door where
you can exit to an area away from your attacker. Do not use the kitchen (where there are items that can be used as weapons),
or a room like the bathroom that may have no other point of exit. You don't want to become trapped.
Plan
an escape route. Visualize it often so that you can use it without thinking. Often, under stress, we forget simple details.
The more you picture it the easier it will be to follow through during an incident.
When the police arrive
make sure you provide all the details of your assault. If the batterer pulls the phone off the wall you need to mention this
because, in some states, this is considered "Intimidation of a Witness" and can be used as an extra charge, in addition
to Domestic Assault and Battery.
Get the police officer's name. You can ensure that at least one officer
is familiar with your circumstances if you have to call again. Also, like every other profession, there are competent officers
and those who do their jobs less well. If you are not satisfied with how your situation was handled, you need to be able to
identify the officer and what the problem was, as you perceived it.
Do not attack the responding police officers
if they attempt to arrest your attacker. Often, the law REQUIRES that this is the action they must take. Domestic Violence
calls are among the most dangerous calls for officers to respond to and this is often because they end up being assaulted
or killed by the victim who called for help. These days, it is not simply a matter of the police arriving, separating the
two "combatants" and leaving. The law requires other actions that address the safety of the victim, as well as the
officers.
Ask for help in seeking medical attention if you are injured. Make sure any visible injuries are
photographed for evidence. You may not feel strong enough to follow through with a complaint immediately, but you should save
those photos in a safe place for possible future reference by the police or courts if you seek a Restraining Order.
Have a bag packed ready to take with you if you need to leave the house fast. It should contain important items like
court papers, passport and birth certificates for you and your children, medical records & medicines, and some clothing.
Also, have spare sets of keys to the car and house. Leave the bag in a safe place where your batterer will not be able to
access it, like at a neighbor's or relative's house.
Contact a Domestic Violence Shelter. Have those numbers
available in your emergency bag so that you can make immediate arrangements for somewhere to go. Alternately, ask your local
Police Department to help you to make arrangements. They should have a list of emergency numbers they can call to help you
set up arrangements.
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Teenagers are far from exempt from domestic violence. The syndrome
is often repeated by children who grew up in that kind of environment, with the propensity toward violence continuing. Early
intervention is important, with both the perpetrator and the victim.
Because of the peer pressure to be in
a relationship in high school or college, young people often mistake controlling behavior by partners for love and desire.
Girls who grow up in homes with a violent father often look for the same qualities in a potential partner
because it is how they perceive normal relationships to be, having no other positive example to follow.
Friends
can play a big part in looking after each other. Because domestic violence holds such perils, it cannot be stressed enough
that victims of such a situation should be strongly encouraged to discuss it with someone in authority who is familiar with
the necessity for a safety plan for the victim.
The batterer should never be confronted without first taking
the safety of the victim into consideration.
If, on discussing your new love interest with a classmate, you are
given some background information on your date that reflects prior acts of violence against partners....RUN (don't walk) away
from the relationship before it gets started.
As in any area concerning personal safety, AVOIDANCE of dangerous
situations is the best policy.
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